if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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