apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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