she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
