it hurts more in the daytime
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
