i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
