You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
