You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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