Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
