if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
