i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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