Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
