I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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