my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
