I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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