If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
