So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
