Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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