My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
