My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
