you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
