i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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