Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
