Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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