Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
