yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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