It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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