forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
