I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
