There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
