it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She told me I should be a condom model.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
