So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
