You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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