I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I love you. Go after that dick
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
