Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
