im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
