I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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