When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
