Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
