Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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