so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
