Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
