she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
