If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
