I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
