i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
