I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
