you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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