I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
