Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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