The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
