It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
