if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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