I can text with my tongue
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
