i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
