You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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