shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
